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Brew Classifieds: Week of Sept. 26

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The wackiest headlines from the week as they would appear in a Classifieds section.


CEO AT 7 OR ABOVE: The chief executive of Verizon, Hans Vestberg, revealed that he’s been ranking his mood from 1 to 10 every day since 2009. So, now you know why your cell service is generally worse on Mondays.

COMEDIAN CAPTAIN: Brooklyn Nine-Nine and The Good Place fans can set sail around Maine with actor Marc Evan Jackson. If you’re lucky, he’ll answer a question by staring at you blankly.


SPURNED GATOR: Alligators learned the hard way that they can only watch Phillies games on TV after a fan and his emotional support alligator—the internet-famous WallyGator—were denied entrance into Citizens Bank Park to watch the Phillies play the Pirates on Wednesday. It’s a missed opportunity for the Phillies, as gators have been known to frustrate pirates.

TEETH REGENERATION OPPORTUNITY: A Japanese pharma startup is making a drug that could help regrow your chompers. This angry Jets fan is following the developments closely.

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BIG CHIP: Holy marketing stunt…Doritos set a world record for the highest cheese pull. Earlier this month in England, a helicopter dipped a massive tortilla chip into a special cheese blend within a 14-foot-tall pile of nachos and stretched the cheese 49 feet into the air. The next stunt better involve flavor-blasting a small town.

MY BOOLONG: Alicia Keys filed a trademark for the name, “Alicia Teas.” Excited to start our day with “If I Ain’t Got Yerba Mate” or “Earl on Fire.”—MM